Sex (A Beautiful Soft Porn Story Or... Poem)

Sex

by Pete Marchesi

Do I believe in my life

That I need to

Or do

Things have come up against me

The words seem to circle

In my brain

So left without

Bereft

I find enemies everywhere

Cast out and left alone

I cannot even sleep

Strange dreams

I have been having

I have become shy and withdrawn

Down where I do not go

I go

And it is simple in my mind

Then

I will have to keep to it

And be mindful of others

I care about them greatly

Even though

Even though

Thoughts come to me

I perspire

So messed from all the excuses

People do not even make

They want me to think of them

And please them

I cannot do so

Anymore

I am almost out of life

It is going too fast

For me to catch up

They say I am slow

The sun is coming up

I have little to live for

Do I even want to

I just need time to slow down

Perhaps I could enjoy myself

Then

Too much to keep up with

Why do they want so much

I ask myself

I feel disturbed

Like I should be worried about something

Need to calm down

Feel the cool breeze

There has been no stop in me

For a long time

Should I be worried

Shhh

The night majestic

The sun creeping forth

My body tried and true

Ready

My nerves on edge

And frail

I guess I need to be worried

Third cup of coffee

I am feeling good

Was in the madhouse the whole week

My sister is letting me free

At restaurant

And surrounded by acquaintances

I must keep a vigil

Things collide in me

I must keep a vigil

It is hard to do so

They talk behind my back

And call themselves my friends

I must keep a vigil

I have been lonely a long time

Outcast

Not of this

I feel strong

But bitter

I see the customers come in

They pretend not to know me

What is in me

I need to know

I need to be thorough

I am worn out

It is too hard to think

There is in me

A storm

Of emotion

I need someone to talk to

Someone precious

My mother is gambling

Down in San Diego

We do not think

I have to depend on someone

People reprimand me

They don’t know why

I pay attention

I guess we are subtle

It makes no difference

It is that

I need someone to confide in

It has been so hard

They go by

I ignore them

Customers

It is a revolution of the mind

The way they meet

With each other

And they make themselves feel special

About it

I don’t mind

It is vain and trite

They are mean with it

I think they just want to be famous

In the community

I have been thinking of money

I cannot pretend

No one is friendly

I will not be too forceful

They will be against it

Time goes on

The coffee makes me feel alert

I had some ham and eggs

Feel a little sick

My nerves no good

I am ignored

It is not good for me

A favorite restaurant to many

The food is good

But the service is dismal

I have been cast out

I am still here

I am still ignored

It is simple

I am not liked

They do not need to like me

I do nothing for them

I never will

I watch the TV

They are without emotion

They do not need to be

I am still ignored

Inconsequential

I do not mind it

I have gotten used to it

I go out with my brother today

To go get some coffee

And see some fancy cars

My sister is good to me

I do not say much to her

She may change her mind

I am sore inside

Everyone is indifferent

I ask myself

About a sense of community

They do not share

Anything

I need a girlfriend

Quickly

A home to go to

A refuge

From the rancid waste of life

I will not marry

I will have children

It could be

I am no good at knowing

It makes no difference in my head

This used to be our restaurant

There once was a family

I do not know them

Compassion

It is the word for the day

I do not want to feel it for anyone

I have been struck too many times

My body

I cannot trust my mind

And have to be very careful

I try to be friendly

Nobody gives me any relief

I need a girlfriend

I say to a friend

Of the family

He does not seem to mind

He is a psychiatrist

I will not care

About what he says

I am so old now

We are going to look at fancy cars

Today

I will not be frightened

I do not like an agitated crowd

Where do I find myself

They are so forlorn

Everybody

I am happy

Because I need to be

I go outside to wait for my brother

Coffee in my hand

Cigarette on my mind

I am so confused

Dangerous to be like this

The convoluted crowd

It will not be any fun

I prefer simpler things

Looking at a tree

Hoping for a bird

I am outside the restaurant

A customer goes in

He looks nice

You cannot tell

They all have money around here

You are supposed to be feeling good

The women look for security

Not love

It is a dry day

The air is thin

My nerves are in shreds

Too much exposure

It is about ten miles to the car show

Will we make it

I can hardly stand up

I have been reasoning too much

And am constantly having to defend myself

I do not feel good

I must breathe

And make the tension go away

Trouble in my life

Big trouble

I am waiting for the attacks

I am defenseless

They have no other choice

The coffee is good

It is cold now

I will not accept transcendence

It is my will

I need them to be recognized

My enemies

I want them to tell me

Why they hate me

It is hard

I am talking about people that relish

Suicide in you

I will fight them

I am ready

They attempt to humiliate me

At all times

It is nothing to them

It is just their way

That is why I cannot make friends

Here

It makes me very unhappy

There are no kind words for them to say

I am still waiting for my brother

It should be time

I look around

No one

What are we doing here

Making each other sick with worry

What is love to you

I guess it must be something useful

They are here

At car show

The viciousness sweeps over me

The air is bad

Fumes

The cars are expensive

I feel delicate

I never want to see a car again

My body

I can’t decide on it

Tension

Like you cannot believe

My brother goes around taking photographs

Silent

Adamant

None of us can afford it

The car owners strut

It is a beautiful day

I try to keep to it

Feel weak

My brother and his son

They are somewhere now

Glad I got away from them

In the shade

There is money on their minds here

It has it’s uses

A car

Built to speed along

Lonely and drifting

They are drawn to an accident

Any kind of accident

The sky is blue

Be brave I say to myself

But what is the use

They just walk through things

Not caring about anything

People

I take my time now

Away from my family

My mind settling down

I do not know the danger of it

Please tell me

It is dangerous to be alive

They just go

Need to rest for a long time

And I have a day and a half to do it

What do people want

It is said they want to be needed

I guess they think that is love

Love

Need a woman to go to

I know it now

But where can I find such a thing

Most of them ignore you

They don’t care what you are feeling

They say they want to be happy

But they make you feel bad

Need to breathe

I want a woman comfortable with life

That does not like to complain

It is good in the shade

Feel abrupt

So much tension

My mind circles the world

Finding nothing

Need to breathe

Feel good somehow

What do we hold onto

No one knows

They are abrupt and careless

Here they are

We go

Made it back

At my brother’s house

I kind of call it home

They say I have no excuse for it

I rebel

I do not care about it

A lot of tension is gone

The car show was good

Too many cars

My family is okay

I love them

Try to

We share a lot

There are memories

We don’t exactly agree with each other

On many things

I leave it alone

But

I am forced to do some things

By them

They fight against it

They do not listen to me

I don’t know why

It makes me feel insignificant

I tough it out

But it gets to me

I am in the garage

A good space for me

Only on the weekends

During the week I am lost

I can hardly carry myself

I got into the madhouse somehow

They keep me there

During the week

I know the place well

The mind turns

And the people running the place

Do not turn with you

Tension

Aloneness

It is an awful feeling

You are made to feel useless

That is so that they can keep you

They feed you

And insist it is safe

I feel my mind

I must have lost it

So easy to do

If you have been kept in the madhouse

They do not try to give you

Anything worthwhile to do

Like prepare you for a good job

When you get out

You have to be praising them

For being good to you

All the time

If you are in there

Fighting for your life

Their intentions are suspect

People get out of there

Wearied by life

Made to feel unimportant and extreme

I say I just need some love

But it must be real

They call me creative and stupid

They do not know

I am sad for them

Cast out of my home

I was sick of them anyway

They did not exactly like me

At any time

I don’t know what it is about me

I am straightforward

I do not like some things

And say so

I am of the belief

That we should do more

Than just live our lives

We have to contribute

To the community

Even if the community

Is abrupt

They said they never wanted me back

I might as well be dead

Sad

I am over it

But dealing with it

Makes me tired

I get confused

And smoke too much

I get deep into it

It is of no use

I treat myself gently

And eat lots of ice cream

I need to

I act out of desperation

Now

I don’t think there is a way back home

They say I am welcome to it

I cannot be too strong with them

They proceed

With their lives and beliefs

I leave it alone

I continue my gambling and smoking

And my weird things

It keeps me happy

As an outcast

I leave the community of friends

Out of it

Sitting in the garage

Breathing

I don’t know how to speak to them

On some level

I have gotten just wasted away

I don’t know what to do about it

I am just trying to be the same person

I have always been

Despite being in the madhouse

Many of them

Become detached from reality

Being in there

They can get no jobs

What is their future

What a waste of time

This is not community

My brother is upstairs sleeping

He is a good brother

Insults me a bit too much

It is just play

But I worry a lot about him

I have to be steady

I am going down again

My brain is tightening up

My breathing is constricted

And my nerves are tingling

I feel heat

The tension

Cast out

It is no great thing

I look far away

They do not know how to speak to me

Or how to argue

They just know how to be defiant

I do not fight that much

My heart is beating rapidly

I can’t look around me in a normal way

Starting to feel very worn out

They put a lot of medication in me

It only serves to disorientate me

They even say that that is a good thing

We need to think of new things

It is their premise

That we learn about life in their way

It is disconcerting

People change their beliefs

For these intruders

The body is good enough

To live without medications

They say I am ridiculous

A lot of these medications are permanent

They have to be sure of getting a check

I look around the garage

It is nice

It is home

We are all nice to each other

But we get on each other’s nerves

In a bad way

We mostly have to leave each other alone

There are raised voices and tears

Always ultimatums

It is a nice garage

I hold onto what happiness I can

I have been without them

For a long time

I am even confused about them

It takes me to the edge

There is a lot of tension

I am known to the police

Because of my sister

It is a disturbing thing

I never thought that something like that

Would happen

I have never worried about my reputation

But it is unreasonable

She does not take it that way

She won’t talk about it

It makes me feel like I must be

Very far away from them

It might just get to the point

Where I lose complete touch with them

I have to be realistic

The tension and worry builds in me

What to do with my body

I wish they would leave me alone sometimes

I feel the heat

I have some me kind of fever

My chest is tightening up

I need a cigarette

They don’t love me anymore

They do not care what happens to me

It is only a duty to them

I try to breathe

A tightness in my chest

Where is that cigarette

Can’t move now

It is just as well

Just want to be

There is too much confusion going on

It is terrible

I contribute to the community

The best that I can

I leave nothing out

I have been cast out

There is an endless anger in me

I cannot trust anyone and more

Not family

Friends

Strangers

I stare at the page

How can I get a woman for myself

Amidst these extremities

I hear a door slam

Is it my brother

I am too tired to see

I need a cup of coffee

I feel so weak and sore

I need to get back to myself

I let go of the tension

I let it go where it needs to

Relaxed

Oblivious

It is okay to be that way

If you are alone

And will not be disturbed

The madhouse

It is a terrible thing to think of

I go outside

I am smoking

I need to be left alone

The pain in my heart goes away

I feel beautiful

A little breeze

And pretty warm

How to get through a hard thing

An outcast

Left alone in the world

God cries for me

He loves me

I need it only now and then

I do not insist on it

I am not impatient

For it

I need it to be quiet

Silent

So I can listen to him

The cigarette is good too

Bugs around

The place

Flying in the sunshine

A hummingbird after a butterfly

He loses

The smoke from the cigarette

Is slow and beautiful

I feel so full of love

It could be pretty need a woman for it

Where are they

Shhh

The world is emptying out

No one here

It is perfect

I love the sunshine

The way it feels

It is Saturday

People working hard

At the tourist business

Everyone is on holiday

It feels like it

They are just looking around

At things

In this world

Love

I feel good

Where did that tension go

I breathe

There are shadows and green

It is perfect

And all mine

Pretty weird

I am feeling pretty strange

I laugh

Another day from the madhouse

It is not gentle

As they promise it to be

Disturbing at best

You must always be asking to leave

No matter what they say

And fight for the means to do it

My body is relaxed

My mind has taken refuge

The tension is gone

I feel my heart again

It beats

A car passes by

The race is far away

What am I going to do

When I do not have this place

Anymore

My brother cannot provide everything

And I will need to work

I hate it so

I need to work for a good person

Difficult to find

Shhh

My mind turning

Things going away

No friends

Cast out by the community

Left

It is a free feeling

Despite the conceivable consequences

I will not be hard on myself

I will care

Abrupt

I guess it is a feeling of longing

To be unrestricted

A reaction

To what does not please you

I have hope

In others

Not much

But I go on with my life

There are atom bombs

And the possibility of total annihilation

But all they want is to go

To the doctor

An unrelenting

I reach out to a woman

This one is not a good idea

She keeps on robbing me

And she tells me how nice I am

I tell myself

It is all that I have got

Pretty stupid

Of me

She is reckless and vastly overweight

She has eyes that see into me

The only thing is

That I do not know

How to protect myself from her

It was only a bit of flirting

I will not worry about it

She has a great anger

Which I am very scared of

I am loosening up

It is afternoon

I need time to go slowly

I hope for it

I want going back to the madhouse

To be as far away as possible

She will not answer

Even my bones are tired now

I need to recover fully

So that I can take on the madhouse

Again

This coming week

They are so kind

I am in the shade

Quiet

Alone

Full of trust

For God

And his reasoning

In putting us here

We are not violent

Wayward beliefs make us so

See your body

As an important thing

It can do everything

You do not need others

I give you hope

I need it myself

The battle to stay myself

Has been arduous

I sink into it

It is day

I am alive

I like it that way

And I believe God is present

That’s pretty cool

I am simmering down

Shhh

The words is a benevolent place

With people committed to good things

Even though

Confusion

Has become rampant

I take my time now

Aah

I feel good

There are no obstacles around here

It is clear

God is aware

He is particular

And I do not pry

It has been a while away from him

I am sure he must think

Me in terrible danger

I need a woman and children

I try my best to please others

I feel no love or

Passion

No one is intent

You need to be competent

Thoughtful about the dangers

You need to be alone

And quiet with it

It gives you strength

I whistle

Try to speak to the birds that way

I am sure

They just get mad at me

My mother is gambling today

She always insists

It is hard

I am going off to talk to that woman again

I am back

What do you want to tell me

She just doesn’t love me that is all

I feel so lonely

She is away from the computer

Facebook

Private chatting

I need her to respond

She must know

I am with her in some way

I guess it is foolish

She tends to be violent

I don’t know how to stop it in her

But she has been homeless a long time

It is a good excuse

I am sitting inside the garage now

It is cool

Everything is in place

There is a crow outside

They are strange birds

They are very purposeful

And do not miss

Anything

Oh I am so tired

There was a lot of tension

My brother is asleep

As of late

He has been very good to me

Kind

Thoughtful

And helpful

The crow is calling me outside

I laugh

I will not go

It is heating up now

It is like summer

When is this woman going to be on Facebook again

I am going to leave it alone

An alternative

Is to leave a nasty note on Craigslist

And see

If some nice woman will catch on

I am playing cards

I am being alone

There is no one to disturb me

I should get up to something

Craigslist is a good idea

I have no transportation

But I do have video on this phone

I’ll forget about it

And go outside

I was losing at cards

Luck is always

Strange

It makes sense that nothing can be permanent

I do not move

I think my body has found a place to rest

The madhouse

It is no match for me

I say to myself

Anything difficult

Is not insurmountable

You can overcome it

I rest

I think of something sexual

I am not going to say

I believe in privacy

And doing things for yourself

Only

I dare not speak

A silence has come into me

This body needs to be resuscitated

With love or passion

I differentiate

Passion is not so well understood

A love for life

And what it can do to you

I am thirsty

I am concentrating very hard

I need to tell God I love him

Why are we are

I am sure we know in some way

How difficult can it be

We talk

Communicate

In incredible ways

It is full

Of surprise and value

We are human beings

Don’t take a chance with us

We know what we are doing

I gamble too much

I have been away from it

For eight months

I am pretty good at it

In it’s own way

It is a world full of doubt

And surprise

And losing feels

Strange

Money is going unimportant

In life you have to learn to give things

Away

Like they don’t matter

And like they will not

Make any difference to you

You see the true value of life

If you do it

I won’t explain it

Stay safe

I am waiting for a reply

From that poor woman

It is her birthday next Saturday

I am coming down well now

The tension was terrible

People can tell

How much pressure I am under

They think it a failing

And not the fault of the madhouse

Need to walk

I go look at the transgenders

I like the real ones

Took a long walk

Feel better

My brother has not been sleeping

He has been working on his photography

All day long

He has gone to sleep now

I will forget about sex

And on the Craigslist

All there is

Is photos of puppies

I need to forget the madhouse

And take steps

I shall call this a Green Day

I have not had many of them

It is partly my objective

To shock people

They are too quiet

They get so angry

At nothing

They take it too personally

I am with God

Now

It opens up my mind

Gives me breath

There is a crow

Is it the same one from earlier

I do not know

He is in a bad mood

I do not acknowledge he is there

Let him be

On his own

We are in touch with reality here

I do not doubt it

We belong

Need a woman

Terribly much

A transgender

They are loving

Complete people

Daring

And obvious

I wouldn’t mind one

But she will not commit

I am slowing down

In my mind

Taking precautions

We are not stupid

There is a world

We need to know it

Well

Without thoughts of obvious reprimand

People are cruel

Let it free

Some of them are beautiful

Many are stricken by sadness

And ready for love

We do not know our bodies

I try to be pleased with myself

No fighting

I am against it

My brother is up in an hour

No time

I need to know my Lord well

There is no time

What we share

From person to person

Makes us who we are

It is a treasure

The information

The feelings that you begin to love

It is not beyond

You

To share peace

And be passionate about your body

And what you do with it

Love

Is an understanding

That has an intense sexual nature

That you can feel at all times

We go corrupt

The hummingbird is in the air

Buzzing and screeching away

With it’s wings

Tortured

By any stillness of the heart

We hurry by

I shall take some time

Use my imagination

And be useful

I want to be real

God looks away

I laugh

I don’t know why

There are various presences

I tell them

I have been tortured so terribly

And that there is never anyone to reclaim me

The madhouse fades away

It is somehow cool now

Cooler than it was before

There is a plane far away

An opening door

I go inside

A fluttering of wings

And I stop

Where is that woman

She has been off Facebook for a while

There is no way to contact her

Doesn’t she know I need her

I begin to become breathless

To allude to

To give an impression of

Reasoning

Or common sense

I am not hungry

I should go inside

But it is terrible in there

I can listen to music

Out here

Where is my body

I need to know it better

We are all sexual

Malevolent

But quiet

And

Direct

I will waste the afternoon away

Alone

When it is dark

It sounds like an evil dragon thing

I hear a fire engine

The poor people

I stop

And start to think about it

I cannot go there!

I need a child

And a woman is useful that way

So sad

They do not allow their daughters

I am invincible!

The confusion begins

Tension

I can’t share it with anyone

God is not here

He is far removed

The chirping of birds

The look of a body

I will be quiet

And wait

I have been damaged thoroughly lately

There is no stop in them

They want to be King

I will not fight

Or corroborate them

They are of no value

And I forget

Them

I do not feel so lonely

I am aware

Of my

Sadness

Someone has arrived

I will be abrupt now

The afternoon is taking forever

I must not lose my mind

Control

It is a wicked house you call it

And that I am mean to you

You are so demanding

It is my adventure

What I hold to

My body

The birds have had a good day

I can hear it

The hummingbird scrapes by

Irritated

I need to laugh

Feel interested

Solutions are not far away

In my life

I need to correct

Things

And hold people to it

Hard to do

It is why I feel helpless

I need to breathe

The tension is back

It will go away

I go check on that woman again

And light up a smoke

You go quick

It is over

Everybody is safe

What am I talking about

I crawl away

I wish it was night soon

I like the dark

It is private

Pertinent

It does not need to be

A lack of direction

Always

My body is sinking into it

And feeling good

I have forgotten the madhouse

The unstoppable morass

Perhaps this is all

Not a good idea

People know me well

Not as passionate

Or caring

Or loving

They know me as adamant

A good way to be

They call me reckless

I am not

I go inside

No

Smoking a cigarette

Taking my time with myself

I am thinking of women

Who can prevent it

I go inside

I am still here

My brother

He said

It would be an hour

Before he came down

No time

I quiver

To say me ancient song

My body

It cannot return

So much is lost here

And so easily

I am quiet

The neighbors

Perhaps I will go eat something

But I am not very hungry

They do not let out their daughters

I do not know why

It is an injustice to them

The men parade about

It is of no use

Need to release

I don’t know how

I am grown up

I should just work out

A way

Shhh

I am thinking

Of nothing much

It is what my body needs

Passion and breathing

And forgetfulness

We cannot attend

He can go and get the food

The place is too crazy for me

Nice restaurant

We have been looking after it for years

He is still asleep

My brother works so hard

He depends on things

A good brother

To let me stay like this

I would be broken if

Otherwise

I need a peaceful moment

I do not want to remember

Anything

The sun is beginning to sink

I have the opportunity to smoke

While outside the madhouse

I go in

And disappear

I need that now

I think

But it troubles me

So dangerous

To unfortunate ones

I feel the blackness of night coming

Cast out

It is rudimentary

The reasons have been dealt with

I would hope

But it is not known

I am always seeking a peaceful way to

Be

But passion

For the moment

For God

For everything around you

Isn’t it pertinent

And different populations

Don’t they fit

Don’t be extreme or jealous

It is a slow arrival

To the truth

Passion is real

It is all that we are

I stop

Sounds

Oh my God

I need a woman!

There is no movement

No one to answer me

I feel corrupt

Jealous of God

I have to be silent with it

I am breathing

So tired

That madhouse is a huge concern

It is interminable

No one bothers with it

There is hardly any criticism

The victims hold on

But they become so antagonized

They become violent

With the overseers

Who fault them

As not being peaceful

People

They are

I drift

It is no fault of mine

I do not want to go inside anymore

It is beyond me

What the body can do

I care for it

Need to stay outside

Perhaps I should go sleep

It is comfortable in that bed

Over there

I look about

There is still light

From the sun

My brother leaves

Have a good time

I am ready

But I wait

What is my plan

Perhaps to keep still

The sun is still warm

I don’t think anyone is aware of me

Just a little bit

Or I could look at the internet

The sun is glaring at me

I shall wait till it is deep into the night

I sit for a while

I am over it

They say they love me

They do not know who to love

I have become bitter and old

Not good

I have to sit for a while

My head is spinning

Perhaps people know me too well

It can’t be

I have secrets

I do not tell them

I hear footsteps

Shhh

I have somehow found myself inside now

But it is not dark

Is it private

I let go

This foolishness

Of everything

I try to be aware

There is somebody upstairs

That should not be there

They leave

What a pity

Betrayal in our midst

My brother is long gone

Who remains

It is confidential

I like to trust people

Whoever it is

They are fast

The footsteps are fast

Looking for something

Someone upstairs

I think it just someone taking a shower

That is good

Feel better now

I was thinking bad things were happening

I got some more cigarettes from the car

Silent

I go play around on the internet

Someone is taking a bath

I am scared

That bath doesn’t sound too secure up there

It had a big leak

About a month ago

I do not want it to fall through

My sister texted me

She sounds okay

She can be tricky

I hope not

She has her own version of things

It just makes me angry

My brother is still away

That doesn’t matter

I still do not feel like anything

I am quiet inside

My soul or inner self

Is still unscathed

I have not changed

Much

My brother is close to

Three hundred pounds

I am going to tell him

To find out if that bath

Is still structurally safe

People are beginning to go home

For the day

They want to be in their houses

This is the only home

The sun is going

The sounds of that bathtub

It has me really worried

My brother is getting me

Seafood pasta from the restaurant

Our restaurant

It has always been touted that me

To be a family effort

Though my sister has taken hold

In a strong way

Need to slow down

The hummingbird goes quiet

My brother has his own family

He is a very happy man

I wish for myself

My sister is unwed too

It looks like life is meaningless

For some of us in America

I see two hummingbirds

Hmm

Pretty interesting

Things are beginning to go dark

In a way I do not want it to

Because tomorrow will be here already

I don’t sleep well here at night

I try to stick it out

So that I am sleepy at the madhouse

And can just sleep there

Their wings are vibrating

They are so little

I must look pretty peculiar here

Parking myself next to the garage

It is not seen from the street

But I think the neighbors might be

Worrying about it

An owl makes it’s sound

You can feel the day draining away

I am still excited by the prospect of

Having sex

I am not too good at it

I am yet another tortured soul

That feels his body

In some meaningless way

I am so happy

What can I do about the madhouse

It exists

A lot of people don’t know what

To do

With

It

I feel as scared as hell

The bathtub

And now Billie Eillish

Even a dog barking at me

Won’t be able to correct myself

For a long time now

Sex is out of the question

It was the neighbor’s dog

And Billie Eillish

A pretty hard woman

Need to relax the smoking

I am being locked up

And they don’t want me moving around

No walking!

I decide to start letting go of things

It will be a good night

Something about my body

I do not tell

Maybe I won’t have sex tonight

What is the point

Need to get my body back together

Love is important to me

I get the feeling

No one is listening

If you find yourself a victim

Do not protect yourself

Be unimportant

But considerate

I have felt a lot of

Pain

Lately

Fear

Trepidation

It won’t go away

Till I am loose from all that stuff

I can’t go away completely

Food is on the way

My brother is at

Our restaurant picking it up

Hmmm

Seafood pasta

With a little cream

I have gotten a bit hungry

I can’t shake that madhouse

Just yet

It is almost completely night

Don’t feel like sex

Food sounds fantastic

Black

The sound of the planet

Beginning to rest

Starting to breathe

The tension insignificant

Sex

It is what we do

We make babies with it

It completes us

In a good way

Feeling hurt

My body is beaten up

They are beginning to get to me

I don’t feel good about my life

I should

I don’t work

I write

A lofty goal

But it is alright with me

No money

I am considering alternatives

I would be safe in my old age

In a mobile home

I just can’t afford it

Yet

The words come rough

And thoughtless

I keep my strength up

My brother is here

With the food

I am full

Terribly good

Don’t want to think of the madhouse

Anymore

It is dangerous

How does my body feel

It is becoming black outside

I still will not go in

That restaurant works well

My step-father

He runs it

He knows a lot about food

Fired my girlfriend at the time

A long time ago

I don’t see how I can forgive him

He is still mean

When he wants to be

Stern

He is so

Old

My breathing is good now

I feel comforted

Sex is like that

Things begin to change around me

The cars nearby sound heavy

I don’t know if there is a moon

It is almost completely black

Sex is a voracious subject

I lean on it

Hoping

For

What comes

I do not think about it too much

I am done playing

But there is no romance

It stings to be alone

I breathe in the night

I hope for the black

Life is expensive

I do not waste time on my stuff

I do not like people

They interfere

They drool

Trying to breathe

The neighbors are leaving

Saturday night

Things to do

It is good

What is tomorrow

It must be Sunday

Not a day want to see

Everything must stay still

Power

Silly word

I do not know what it means

People use words as if

They are trying to prove something

Completely black

Stars

The birds

I do not know where they are

Private

Thoughtful

The night is thoughtful

A thoughtful time

Tomorrow is Sunday

I go back in the evening

I bet they miss me

I bet they miss disturbing me

With innocent words

And complicated reasoning

I am justified in my home

They differentiate

And are in the practice

Of locking up others

It is very distressing

No woman tonight

That woman from Facebook

Is nowhere to be found

I don’t know how to be happy

Now

I steady my nerves

I see they are still frail

It is completely black

The trees are taking a breath

I don’t care about anything

I force myself to be like that

Especially when people say to be sweet

My body is coming into

A good place

I have got cramps

Mysteries

There is definitely no moon

I go to find it

I found it

It is a half moon

Not too terribly bright

The stars are very clear

I rock back and forth

On the hammock

Looking up

I did not deserve a prison

I did not do anything harmful

But they are full of strange things

Those people

They must not know about freedom

Too busy to care about it

I have my cigarettes

I am looking up

Rocking back and forth

Gently

I am sometimes consumed by hatred

I have no children

I might have to give up hope

I must

Have

Children

I am full from the food

There is nothing to think about

Gently rocking

I don’t want to see the pornography anymore

I want something gentle

Consuming

And long

It will be strange to me

The sound of a police car

Daunting

Two of them

I go to bed

The hammock is comfortable

The night is going to sleep

My body is empty

So intent on the invincibility of those people

What do surround ourselves with

They will not be spoken to

There is a coyote

I cannot grasp the ineptitude

Of locking up innocents

My body is warming up to sex

I will not think about it

The pleasure of the mind

The workings of the heart

So good

In this body

That has become wretched

Because of the connivance

Of the loud

Breathing

Thinking about sex

The allure of movement

The beating heart

Loud and there

I must trust myself to be silent around here

I am losing it all you know

By becoming older

How is that to be

I am staring at the black

Waiting for it to get cold

The motionless breath of the night

I see a plane

And can just hear it

Lights are coming on

Everywhere

I start thinking of the sex

My plan is good

Rhythm

Muscles

Feel it in my bones

The night is huge

There is nothing like it

Ohhh that would be wonderful

It is seven

I rest

Ohhh

I like things private

They must let it alone

Disintegration

You must be peaceful to avoid it

God speaking to me

Maybe I will put on some music

And check up on my brother

He cannot solve my problems

But he is helping

I let it alone

Only

The moonlight for me

It is placid

Everywhere

I giggle

And smoke a cigarette

It would terrible if I were found out

I must be silent

Does the door lock

I go look

It needs a key

And I don’t have it

And I want it to be long

Interference would kill me

I smoke the cigarette

Privacy is so important

Secrets

I can hear the neighbors

It is Saturday night

They will not be asleep for a long time

I have organized everything

I go to check on the Facebook woman

I do not want to do it

I will be lazy instead

Relax and take this beautiful night in

Suddenly my brother calls

He is to sleep

It is too early for me

I have been given space

It won’t take long

I don’t know how to do it

I am just teasing you

My plan will work

But I don’t know how

It

Will

Be

That madhouse is a pressure

On me

Can I make it go away

Give me freedom

Perhaps I need more food

I find people so concerned about each other

I don’t care about it

I am always letting go of

Things

I wonder how my mother is

I think she gambled

Fifteen dollars

What a step into oblivion

I should call

But she likes to be alone from me

The plan is good

I guess I have got to have a sense of humor

I need it to be warm

Shhh

I am warming up

Beginning to feel good

Shhh

The world is obsolete

I will forget about it

There’s the moon

It is bright and white

I finish the cigarette

I need money

I really need to think about that

A mobile home would be good

I am going to move inside

And put the light off

Here I go

It is curious

I look for my company

It makes me sad to know

That

I am interrupted

Hmmm

I am heard

I will wait for later

I need people to be solidly asleep

What to think about

What to think about

And I need to change the plan

My body is hurting

I need it

I will go hide in a corner

Somewhere

Not sure

I think my brother just came in

He did not see anything

Started moving things around in the garage

It is nighttime

Don’t believe it

I need to calm down

Something doesn’t like me

What else is there to do but this

When things are going badly

You don’t complain!

I need to adjust

There is a new plan

I just don’t feel like it anymore

Need some water

To drink

Shhh

He is loose

Cluttering up the house

My sister is probably even having

Bad thoughts about me now

And my mother probably thinks twice

About giving me birth

Need to breathe

Need to breathe

All my relatives

I do not know them

All there is

Is this

And we do not understand

The psychiatrist and his friends

Believe my kind

Should not even have children

Because we make choices

They cannot believe!

I simmer down

I have to

This is not my house

And I am thirsty!

The garage looks different now

The shame of it

I was feeling very well

Something I need to be

For a time

What now

I will give up

I need to

Need to think of something else

What now!

I am in the garage

That is something

The cold of the night

Is just beginning

I need some ice cream

My brother is all over the house

Fixing up things

I hope it works for him

I just realized

I need to be sneaky

Need some water

I go outside

Thoroughly defeated

I have some sweet iced tea

It is not natural

How we defeat ourselves

It feels like tomorrow

Is suddenly here

How harrowing

I am in that chair again

This is war

I will have my privacy

I will be left completely alone

I guess I have got to have

A sense of humor

Smoking a cigarette

Thinking about

Nothing

Where is God now

I am sure he must be hiding

Himself from me

There are stars

There is a moon

I just can’t quiet down anymore

That took me by surprise

I am sure of it

I have to do it differently

And think about it

What the hell is he doing

I guess this is a private house

Not much I can do

I will buy that mobile home

We will see then

I need a blanket

It is going to be cold

Tonight

My face is white

As white as death

I had better succeed

It is what I want

I was busy

And I figured

The neighbor was listening to me

Sneaky

Of

Him

My brother has no lady in the house

I am very happy with my activity

I still have the sweet iced tea

Lipton

I think of the madhouse

But it is not important

Fire engine

It is late enough for everyone to sleep!

Powerless

That is the way I feel

Wonderful

Weak

Obstinate

Passionate

My eyes

They must look unimportant

My legs

And the muscles

The rhythm

Sharp and important

I rest

I need my life back

Whatever it is

Whatever they have left me

They think it is a joke

Me

I am not a joke

Cast out

And lonely

Going through hell

As it is

Around here

My body is out of control

It likes it

The plan worked out pretty good

I must get back to the activity

Sexual slavery I will call it

With a good God present

None of that

If I knew you better

If things were different

Shhh

I breathe

The air is pure

The cold relevant

The blankets are warm

I have arrived

I can forget

Now

I can be something different to them now

They will not recognize me

My feelings are still pertinent

And cool

War

Not a good thing to think of

Peace

I think is something important

I try to take my breaths

I am caught

In the light

Of a lightbulb

I go inside

And switch on the lights

Of the garage

It is simple in here

A big square

With things in it

I hear the brother rummaging upstairs

All the rest

Of the relatives

Must be quiet

I will not go to the madhouse against

They are not any help

It is strange how people are

Expected to ask for help

It is after nine

It will be pretty late soon

It is 22 hours before I have to return

To that mess

That they sell as a safe and good place

I feel like getting back into bed

The phone is not charging

I cannot type

I let it be

Perhaps this plug

My heart is good

I continue

But I am a little frightened

Need it

Feel so

Sometimes I do not know where I am

Because of the things they

Do

At the madhouse

I am drying up

My body

Correct in every way

I long for someone

Need to lose my mind

I go back in that bed

No reward

There is no reward

In my self

And I let it go

My body goes quiet

It has been too lonely

And I am harassed all the time

Who is fortunate

There are so few

And they have to be so steady

I want children

Who is going to look at me

There is sweet iced tea

Outside

I gather myself

Every moment purposeful

It is definitely cold outside

And I am not looking forward to tomorrow

I drink the iced tea

I was agile

But I am definitely heartbroken

No one to talk to

And my life is definite trouble now

I am not homeless anymore

I have climbed out

I have grown old

And you lose your intelligence

I must be steadfast

The neighbors are back

They make noise

It doesn’t matter

I am over it

They must not come to spy at me

It is night

Black

So you do not see

Me

My brother’s house is asleep

As are many others

My mother must be dreaming of good things

She is abrupt

I am an outcast

Because of all of them

The community will not go away

Sex

It is morning

I feel delicate

Have some coffee

Sitting in a car

My brother is off taking photographs

The view is beautiful

Sunrise

There is a huge cloud on the ocean

And the sun is bright

Yellow

Last night was nice

It has been a long time

I am with myself

No woman

It is sad

But I can deal with it

All the consternation of the world

So dangerous

You feel vulnerable

But you get by

The light is something else here

He will be away for a while

Here comes the sun

It is wasting no time

Another cigarette

The sea is something else

I just watch

I must go fishing soon

The light will wash out the pictures

It is just good to be here

Why are we so threadbare

Sleepless

And mordant

We don’t take it seriously enough

It is beautiful what we have

So full of life

And expression

We can hardly keep up

That was something else

The sun

Sex is a part of us

It must go away

It feeds us

Love

There are boats and boats and boats here

There are some people as well

On this cliff

We are looking over

Down

Suicide

It makes me weep

Keep on going

We are too fragile

And the world too stern

Be gentle with one another

Delicate

The birds are awake

The coffee is good

Look at that cloud

It is so low

I light another one

I am happy with what I have done

Made myself feel well

The nerves are stronger now

I can deal with the madhouse again

I am strong

What kind of day is it

No church for me

It is all here

What we need

The white of the sun

The grey of the sea

The blue of the sky

And us

And the rest of it

This is our experience

Do not get locked up

The self suffers

And suicide is knocking

At your door

People make mistakes

Here comes my brother

Back to the coffee

We go

We drift down to the harbor

People are so busy

What do we care

I don’t know what they like

It is nice down here

I am out of cigarettes

Some people are going fishing

Why do we even work

There is talk even about a jackpot

On the boat

Taking the people fishing

They will enjoy themselves

I have to go back

It will be no fun

The things we do

What we have to take care of

Need to get back to my brother’s house

And do some washing

Of clothes

My brother is traipsing all over the place

Found some cigarettes

I’ll be okay

The madhouse is hell to be in

What are we encouraged by

We need to lift our spirits and stay there

Life is an adventure

We do not look back

Made it back to the house

Have to prepare to go back

To the madhouse tonight

I feel indifferent

Like I didn’t get enough

Am I still friends with my family

Only my brother

Everyone else has left me behind

They consider me ungrateful

My life

I know it well

Being an outcast is a mean thing

I don’t know how I will get on

It means you are estranged

From the ones you love

Love

A dark place I do not think about

Rife with subjectivity

And totalitarianism

Who runs the place

I am too old for it

You have to be comfortable

What am I prepared for

The tension is visible

I have to get through the week

Cast out of my life

No one

Still thinking of money

Getting a job

That mobile home

Girlfriend

Children

And playing guitar for them

I am sure of this

They can cast me out into the sea

For all I care

It will happen

I will be 106 when I die

And I will see my children grow up

It just must be done