Funny Press Cuttings

Whichaven civic leaders are flushed with pride after their toilets were called the best in the region by the British Toilet Association. The judges were particularly impressed by the way both parties on the council regularly sat down together.
Evesham Admag

Police foiled an attempted bank raid yesterday after a robber told staff he would come back to collect his money. Flying Squad officers pounced when the man returned seven hours later to pick up the cash. Detective Superintendent John Shatford said ‘This operation should serve as a warning to anyone thinking of committing a robbery in this way. The Flying Squad is extremely skilled in dealing with this type of incident and can respond quickly as this operation shows.’

Regarding the ongoing saga of the seagulls in Liskeard, my daughter put a cooked chicken on the draining board when the ‘phone rang. She answered it and when she was going back to the kitchen she heard a noise. She saw a seagull pecking at the chicken on the draining board. She screamed at it and as she did the seagull pushed its head in the cavity of the chicken and then flew off with the chicken on its head. So now with things like this happening is it not time something was done about these vermin? If she hadn’t come in when she did it might have flown off and they could have eaten that chicken not knowing that the seagull had been at it.

A Radio Fivelive reporter sent to cover the retrial of the Leeds United footballers in Hull was parking near the court when he was approached by the car park attendant. ‘I suppose you’re a journalist’ said the attendant. ‘How did you guess?’ asked the reporter impressed by the attendant’s observational skills. To which the attendant replied ‘We don’t wear sunglasses in Hull.’
Evening Standard

Going to bed the other night I noticed people in my shed stealing things. I ‘phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible. I hung up. A minute later I rang again. “Hello,” I said. “I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don’t have to hurry now because I’ve shot them." Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said: “I thought you said you’d shot them?” to which I replied “I thought you said there was no one available?"
Letter in The Daily Mail

Lawyers for wild man rock star Lemmy have furiously complained about a story in last week’s Sunday People about his sex life which told how the 55 year old Motorhead rocker handcuffed his lover to the bed for a three day sex and bondage session. Mr Lemmy’s lawyer said “It was not three days and she was not handcuffed to the bed. It was seven days and she was hung from the ceiling.” We apologise unreservedly to Mr. Lemmy for any damage to his reputation.
(Sunday People)

An example of German bureaucracy: Bus driver Slobodan Milosevic has been given a week to prove he is not Yugoslavia's ex-dictator — before he loses his savings. The 52-year-old has had his post office account frozen and the cash could be taken to pay war damages. The Serb, who now lives in Munich, said: 'I tried to explain that in Serbia my name is as common as Hans Schmidt here but they told me Hans Schmidt was not a war criminal.'

Labour councillors in Reading, Berkshire are to stop asking job applicants for their academic qualifications. They say it discriminates against people who don’t have any. (The Times)

Mr Clinton persuaded his old school chum Colin Bucoke to go to the police after he visited Mr. Clinton’s home and asked for help in disposing of the dismembered body. Mrs. Clinton told The Herald that the experience had deeply shocked her husband. “I’ve never seen a man so cut up like he was”.
(Berkhampstead Herald)

"As a future businessman and a student I take personal exception to the statement that business people are a group of cultural Philistines. The reason why some of us have not yet got around to reading Anna Karenina may simply be because some of us don’t like Dickens." (Edinburgh Evening News)

A man is suing police in Connecticut after he was refused entry to the force because he was too clever. Norbert Johnson’s IQ score of 125 was deemed too high for the police who said that smart people get bored and leave.
(The Independent)

“During the reindeer season we take the convicts out hunting, even the murderers” said Tourbe Thrue, head of the correctional institution in Lourke. “Obviously we don’t take the mentally unstable” he said. “they have to go fishing”. (The Guardian)

The race is on to become the first cyclist to cross the English Channel using pedal power. Scott Bonard, the British contestant, is hoping he will be the one to achieve the feat but a rival Italian team has said it plans to push him all the way.

Madam, I wholeheartedly endorse the views of Ian David Burrell on the financial state of the farming industry and his response to the letter from Mrs. Angela Gavett. Mrs. Gavett has great difficulty in grasping fundamental economic principles. I base this statement on my many years experience as an accountant and on the fact that I am married to her. (Gloucester Echo)

"I have promised to keep his identity confidential" said Jack Maxims, spokesman for the Sandon Sun Hotel in Johannesburg, "but I can confirm that he is no longer in our employment. When we asked him to clean the lifts he spent four days on the job. When I asked him why he replied 'Well there are 40 of them, two on each floor, sometimes some of them aren't there."

It was a bumper year for frog falls in Italy. Some say these frogs were probably dropped by birds of prey but in every case the frogs were all the same specie and age. Synchronised vomiting by herons is an unlikely explanation.

Speaking at the European Parliament a French delegate suggested that the milk product crisis was best left to the common sense of the farmers in Normandy. He declared "La problem sa r?lu par la sagesse Normandie" The interpreter duly translated this as 'The problem will be solved by Norman wisdom'.

After being charged twenty pounds for a ten-pound overdraft, thirty-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to 'Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards.' The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name.

Carlisle chiropodist Lisa Gobel will put her best foot forward for a good cause later this year by walking along a 70-mile stretch along the ancient Great Wall of China. “It’s certainly going to be a challenge,” said Miss Gobel, 32, “I’ve been told there are parts of the wall which are nearly vertical”.

From the testimony of the crew of a Costa Rican ship as to why their ship had foundered. "The Captain was on the bride at the time. Suddenly there was a loud crack and an explosion and the Mate cried 'Look out Sir, I think she’s making water."

A dog which won first prize for keen intelligence and unquestionable obedience in Shendai, Japan turned out to be stuffed. “Of course the dog’s obedient, it’s dead” explained a furious runner-up but the dogs owner refused to return the £1000 prize insisting “Nobody said the pets had to be alive”.

Once again, these have been taken from another site, i merely put them on here thinking you might enjoy them.