1963, 1991, & 1998
One day, Farty Jimbo was making Southwestern-style ass hair meatloaf when the phone rang.
Farty Jimbo answered the phone.
“Hello” said Farty Jimbo
“Hello, this is Tuesday” said the voice on the phone
“No,” said Farty Jimbo “This is Sunday. I know for a fact.”
“No, I mean this is Tuesday Wells. I don’t know what day it is there. It may very well be Sunday.”
“Well it is Sunday, and I don’t know any Tuesday Wells.” Said Farty Jimbo
“Well I guess we haven’t met yet, but we will. It was hard getting a hold of you.” Said Tuesday Wells. “I know this all must sound very strange, but I need you to listen and trust me.”
“This DOES sound very strange. What do you mean we haven’t met yet and it was very hard getting a hold of me?” asked Farty Jimbo
“Well, what is the date there?” asked Tuesday”
“What the fuck do you mean what is the date here? It’s the same as the date there”
“I seriously doubt that, Jimbo” said Tuesday. “I woke up this morning in a strange room. When I got out of bed, I realized I wasn’t wearing a thong like I always am. I was wearing a pair of granny panties. I haven’t worn underwear like that since my mother bought my clothes. I noticed all the furnishings in the room looked new, but old fashioned. I went and got a paper and its Thursday November 21, 1963 here, and I’m in Dallas Texas!”
“Really? That means JFK will be assassinated tomorrow!”
“Yes, and I can go see “Cry of Battle” and “War is Hell” at the Texas Theatre in the Oak Cliff area of Dallas.” Said Tuesday. “What’s the date there?”
“July 21” said Farty Jimbo.
“1991” said Farty Jimbo
“We won’t meet until 1998. In1991 you live in Milwaukee Wisconsin. Holy shit! You know Jeffrey Dahmer. He will be arrested tomorrow. He’s a serial killer and a cannibal!” said Tuesday
“Jeff is a great guy.” You’re full of shit …”
“Full of shit up to my ears?” interrupted Tuesday
“Hey how did you know I was going to say that?” asked Farty Jimbo
“Because when I met you in 1998, you always said that. You told me you’ve used that phrase since you were a kid. It’s like your catch phrase.
“Wow” said Farty Jimbo, “If you know that, everything you are saying must be true! You’re calling me from November 21, 1963 in Dallas Texas and tomorrow Jeffery Dahmer will be arrested here in 1991. I won’t even know you until 1998. Fucken-a! What do you look like?” continued Farty Jimbo, “Are you a babe? Do you have a nice rack with big nipples?”
“I have average sized breasts, but my areolas are huge. There’s only one kind of regular bra I can wear that I like that covers my areolas well. Like it’s asking too much for a bra to cover my areolas…” Tuesday said
“I’ll scratch my balls and take a quick whiff of my fingers and I can smell ammonia or goat cheese or both. That’s neither here nor there. We got a couple of serious situations on our hands. As I see it, there isn’t much either one of us can do.” Said Farty Jimbo. “You should go down there to the Plaza and check out the Grassy Knoll.”
“Maybe I will” said Tuesday, “I’ll be back in 1998 soon.”
“I’m making a Southwestern-style ass hair meatloaf. I was just about to dry shave my ass when you called.” Replied Farty Jimbo
“All right. I’ll let you go. Buy a couple thousand shares of Intel and a bunch of Microsoft.” Tuesday Wells hung up and didn’t see Farty Jimbo again until 1998.
Farty Jimbo hung up. The next day, Jeffrey Dahmer was arrested. Farty Jimbo wrote the following poem.
“Her face was thin through vomit
A chemical sheen on her forehead caked over a tan booth bronze
Looking at her gave me a warm scrotal rush that was not unpleasant
And oh to have my stiffened spunk hose
Embraced by the sleek and shiny lips
Lips glossed with ultra-lip plumping ingredients for irresistibly luscious lips - glazed with unsurpassed shine
Locked around my pole of joy in a selfless spaghetti suck of love
Then I’d want that bitch to make me dinner.”
Soon there was world peace, no more diseases and the end of hunger and no more global warming because of the poem. Young boys were still fucked by priests, but other than that the world was a fine place. Farty Jimbo won a Nobel prize and found a grocery store that stocked “Count Chocula”, “Frankenberry” and “Boo Berry” at the same time. He bought a bunch of shares of Intel and Microsoft.
Life was good indeed for Farty Jimbo